“Am I Lovable?”

Why this toxic question can threaten the promise of any new relationship

When you meet someone you really like, you get excited! And with the excitement comes the inevitable insecurity. Will they like you? Are you good enough for them? Should you play hard to get or go full in? At the root of most of these feelings is a simple question, “Am I lovable?”

You are excited about them, right? And you want to win their affections and inspire them to think about you as much as you are thinking about them. At minimum, you want to avoid ruining things. So it’s natural to wonder what value you bring in relationship or to think about what makes you stand out in the crowd.

However, as innocent as the “Am I lovable” inquiry sounds… beware… It’s a toxic question that can threaten the promise of any new relationship. It’s a paradox. “Am I lovable” is the question you ask to avoid ruining things, but it is the very thing that could ruin things. And here’s why…

“Am I lovable” is the question you ask to avoid ruining things, but it is the very thing that could ruin things.”

The question “Am I lovable,” and all of the ways it shows up in our subtle behaviors and thoughts, puts you in the passive role.

It takes away your power to know yourself as a living embodiment of love and shower your man with this gift every day. Wondering whether you are lovable is an indication that you have quite literally forgotten who you are. You have placed all of your power outside of yourself—in other people’s opinions, approval, and perception. And you have forgotten that the truth of your essence is that you are love-light. No one and nothing can take that truth away from you. And the more you own it and live in the truth of that, the brighter and more mesmerizing you become.

If you find yourself wanting to ask this toxic question or getting wrapped up in the insecurities of an early relationship, here are three alternatives to try instead.

Take A Pause.

If this question surfaces, rather than immediately reacting and searching for an answer outside of yourself (ie in another person’s reassurance), take a pause instead. Go inward. Ask yourself, why am I asking this question? What caused me to lose my confidence? Usually you will see the root cause and you can come back to your center rather than grasping outside of yourself for answers.

Radiate Love from Inside to Out.

Radiance is “to emit light or heat.” When you remember that you are the walking embodiment of love’s light, and you let that love pour from you in every direction, you become the most radiant woman in the room, no matter what your age, size or haircut. Try this and see how your man responds. Chances are, he will not be able to get enough of you.

Give, Give, Give.

Stop looking for the reassurance of your partner, which is inherently a self-centered orientation. You are taking from them in a way by pulling on their energy to prop you up. Instead, shift the whole thing 180 degrees by looking to see what you could give your partner instead. Imagine that you trusted you were lovable; how would you give your love? Do that instead. Automatically, you will feel the impact you can have on another person’s day and that alone will reassure you of just how lovable you truly are.

Wondering whether you are lovable is an indication that you have quite literally forgotten who you are. You have placed all of your power outside of yourself—in other people’s opinions, approval, and perception.

In love and relationship, the most powerful stance we can take is being of service, being in devotion to love and utilizing our power to give. Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” We could also say “Be the love you want to see in the world.” The truth is, no one can tell you whether you are lovable, but you. Trust that you are. Live as if you are. Give your love to those close to you and see in their faces the difference you make. This is the only way to truly know who you really are—a being of radiant love—light from inside to out.